Jasper's Struggle
by gardenofwords
Summary: As Jasper begins to come to terms with the fact that he has turned into a vampire, he struggles to deal with his new life: his desire for blood, his new family, immortality,the pain and regret in his past...and his growing feelings for the beautiful Alice
1. Desperation

Disclaimer: No, unfortunately, I do not own Twilight.

Jasper's Struggle

"Come on, it's just a little further, _stop fighting me_, you're not helping yourself."

Although his voice was tinged with annoyance now, it was still soothing for the most part, fatherly. And yet I struggled with all I had.

_"Let. Go. Of. Me! Aaargh!" _I let out a cry of frustration through my gritted teeth, pushing, struggling against his guiding arms. But he was unbelievably strong, and any resistance was in vain. I felt a scream of anger, despair, and pure pain building up in me and fought for all I was worth to push it back down, even as I fought the man trying to help. Why couldn't he just let go, leave me be and let me die in peace? If he knew what was good for him he would get away from me. It was hard to suppress a burning desire to lash out, to cause pain, even to kill, a desire that intensified with the pain coursing through my body.

Yet still he continued to pull me, half-drag me, through the cobbled streets. It was a good thing that darkness surrounded us and the streets were deserted. What anyone on the streets would have seen was a half-crazed boy being dragged through the streets by a man who could be his older brother, a man who didn't look at all cut out for handling me. For handling the monster I felt like I was becoming-I had no idea how true that was.

Before I knew it—and that isn't saying much, I was so blind with desperation and pain that I wasn't able to focus enough to know much of anything just then—I was being pulled through a doorway, into an ancient house, still struggling for all I was worth. I dimly registered as we crossed the threshold the outlines of blurry figures rushing toward us.

"Emmett! Edward! Come help me. Alice! Move the things off the bed in the guest room. Rosalie, get some blankets and a pillow."

The pain was increasing, more and more, to the point that I didn't even think I could struggle anymore against the man—my savior, my captor, I hadn't decided yet, nor did I have the strength to make the distinction. What was happening to me? I was dying, of that I was sure, but what on earth could cause this kind of pain? I remembered being attacked, I remembered the screams, people scattering—that would explain the deserted streets. But still I didn't know what had happened. The attack. I remembered feeling extreme pain, like I did now, only concentrated in one area at first—my neck? Yes. Yes, that was it. But what had caused the wound? A knife? A gunshot? I couldn't imagine either causing the kind of pain I was experiencing now.

And then, all of a sudden, I found myself in a dimly lit room, being pushed down onto a bed, a pillow shoved under my head, the dim light obscured by four heads above me, leaning in close together and staring down at me. Then I heard a calm, now-familiar voice beside me, and recognized that the man who had saved me was kneeling by the bed, the nearest to me, speaking softly, but firmly.

"It's okay, now, I want you to stay calm, take deep breaths. I'm a doctor, alright? And I know exactly what you're going through, I've been through it before, we all have."

I could hear his voice, but it was hard to listen to the words, hard to focus on the reality around me. I squirmed, writhing in pain on the bed. I rolled over, pressing my arms against my chest and my body into the bed as if I could squash the pain out if I pressed hard enough. My teeth were still gritted, and I never stopped fighting the scream desperately trying to escape from my mouth.

"It's alright, deep breaths. Try to calm down." Easy for him to say.

"This isn't something that modern medicine can handle, you've just got to let it run its course, but I promise it will get better."

Not something modern medicine could handle? I still believed I was dying, but surely modern medicine could do _something_ about a gunshot or a knife wound, whichever it was, at the very least ease the pain. He made it sound like whatever was happening was something new, something too complicated for doctors to treat.

And then the pain was too much, my head was going to explode, this was it, I had to be dying, no one could survive this pain…and everything went black.

My first Twilight fanfic...PLEASE REVIEW!! And, by the way, I haven't read the last book in the series, so as the story progresses, please let me know if something is inaccurate. Thanks!

So, apparently, this is going to be a somewhat AU story because I was informed that Jasper's transformation was described in Eclipse. Again, I haven't read it yet so, just as a side note, obviously, it's going to be an AU story. :)


	2. The Truth

The Truth

When I regained consciousness, it was to the feeling of a cool rag being pressed against my face. I was dizzy, disoriented, unable to remember what was going on. I brushed my hand across the surface under me, remembered that I was lying on a bed in a stranger's home, and it all came rushing back—what I could remember, anyway—mental snapshots of being attacked earlier that night, the screaming, people scattering, being dragged here, being shoved onto a bed, being reassured by a man I still wasn't sure I could trust.

The rag was covering my eyes, and when it was moved, I looked up, trying to clear my blurred vision. It was dark in the room, it felt late, and as my vision began to clear, I was able to see the girl sitting in a chair by the bed, who had apparently been employed with the job of looking after me. Everyone else was gone, including the man who had saved me.

She smiled at me, a reassuring smile, and by now my vision had cleared completely. Now I could see her clearly. And I couldn't believe my eyes. Staring down at me was the most beautiful form of a black-haired angel imaginable. Even as the pain started to come back again, even as I knew I should mentally prepare myself for the inevitable agony, I couldn't focus on anything but her face. It was difficult, dealing with so many extremes tonight. From the extreme, unimaginable pain that I had yet to identify satisfactorily to the surreally beautiful angel sitting beside me, it had definitely been a night of extremes. And they were beginning to make my head swim.

"Feeling any better?" the angel asked.

I stared at her for a moment. I wasn't sure I could do anything else.

"I'm not sure yet," I heard myself say. It was true. I could feel the pain slowly creeping up again, but it hadn't reached anywhere near its previous intensity.

She smiled again and put the rag back on my forehead.

"I'll be honest with you, it's going to be rough. It has to get worse before it can get better, but you'll make it through."

"Through what, exactly?"

"Your transformation."

I blinked up at her, puzzled. That was definitely not the answer I had been expecting.

"What do you mean transformation?"

"Into a vampire," she said, her voice light, as if this were the most logical thing in the world.

"Into a—_what?_" My immediate fascination with this girl didn't prevent a distinct feeling of irritation with her treatment of an invalid. "Excuse me, miss, I don't mean to be rude, but really, I've just gone through an ordeal tonight that I am still trying very hard to make sense of, and I really don't appreciate you toying with my head. Which I'm assuming is still sitting on top of my shoulders, but it hardly feels connected."

The ever-beautiful, though at the moment, irritating, angel just sat there, crossed her arms, and looked at me with raised eyebrows and a smug look on her porcelain face.

"Don't worry," she said. "It's still connected. But I'm not toying with you or your head." She reached over and picked up a small hand mirror from the bedside table and handed it to me. "Take a look, Dracula."

This comment only served to irritate me more, but I tried to remain calm, not because I had anything against raising my voice and letting her know just how much she was beginning to get on my nerves, but because I was sure a reaction like that would only trigger the pain again. And that I wasn't prepared to deal with.

Nevertheless, I held the mirror where I could examine the wound in my neck. Because of the location of the wound and the way I had to hold the mirror, I couldn't get a clear view of it, but I was able to see enough out of the corner of my eyes to tell that there were two small, round holes, rather like what I imagined a snake or a spider bite might look like, though I had never been bitten by either and didn't know for sure. Except with my wound, the holes were definitely too far apart to have been made by either a snake or a spider. It was clean, no blood, no messy wound, just the two perfect holes and a cold feeling, as if someone had put ice on it, but the girl watching me did not have ice, only the damp rag. My wound looked like pictures I had only seen in books. My wound looked like it was made by a legendary creature. My wound-and I couldn't believe I was even thinking it—looked like it was made by a vampire.

"That's impossible."

"No, clearly it isn't, what else do you think makes that kind of mark?" She sounded irritated now, though I couldn't imagine why _she_ should be irritated with _me_.

I looked up at her in shock, still suspicious. And all of a sudden something hit me. "Wait. Last night, your father or whoever he is, he said he'd gone through what I'm going through. He said you'd all gone through it…"

"Yes."

"But, then…"

She smiled at me again, an extremely amused and, I couldn't help notice, dangerous smile, showing all of her teeth.

"That's right. My name is Alice Cullen. And yes, I'm a vampire. I can be your best friend or your worst enemy, that's up to you. But either way, you're stuck with all of us for a while, that's not up to you. Because pretty soon, you're going to want to rip people's throats out, but we're not going to let you do that. So you might as well get used to us. Welcome to the family."

A/N: That's chapter 2! What do you think? PLLLEEEEEEEEEEEEAAASE REVIEW and let me know!


	3. Only the Beginning

Only the Beginning

I dived for the door, but she blocked my path, throwing her arms out in front of it, and as she did so, she let out a growl that should have belonged to a territorial animal. I fell back in sheer horror. I stood still for a moment, glaring at her with all the anger I could muster in my terror, now that I knew who…or _what_ it was I was glaring at. Still I held eye contact. Seconds passed. I dived again. This time, to my utter amazement, she caught me. She grabbed me around the waist, _picked me up_, carried me back from the door a few feet, and set me down again. I couldn't believe it. This tiny, beautiful girl, at least a head shorter than me, had just picked me up and carried me as if I weighed nothing.

"Get out of my way!"

"No."

_"Why not?"_

"Because I said."

"Let me go."

"Still no."

I was desperate. And she wasn't listening. So I made a third attempt at freedom, rushing at the door with all I had. She caught me again, with one arm around my waist, and held me easily as I struggled in vain against my second captor of the night. If I hadn't been so concentrated on the door, my eyes fixed unblinkingly on it as I flailed against her imprisoning arm, I would have seen her roll her eyes in exasperation, then even examine the nails on the hand not wrapped around my waist, as if she was bored of the whole thing.

Finally, I stepped back, panting, defeated. My beautiful vampire captor crossed her arms, giving me a look that seemed to say, 'Finished yet?'

"Fine." I resumed glaring at her, keeping my distance. "What are my options?"

"Well, you can stay here, or…you can stay here. That's about it."

Anger burned inside me, but what was I supposed to do? Hit her? No matter how angry I was, I couldn't bring myself to strike a girl, vampire or not.

Not to mention I was still just the _tiniest_ bit terrified of her. I decided to try reasoning with her.

"If I'm truly becoming one of you, then I'm of no interest to you in the way of…food, sustenance, whatever you call it. And if, as you seem to want me to believe, you really do just want to help, I think I've made it clear that I don't want your help. So what is it to you, just let me go…"

"I can't let you go." Her voice was firm, defiant. And really beginning to irritate me.

_"WHY NOT?"_

"Because like I said, in a little while, say, a few hours or so, you're going to have an overwhelming desire to kill a lot of innocent people…or guilty people for that matter, short people, tall people, old, young, men, women, you get the point. It won't matter to you who you kill. Only that you do. Because you're going to be hungry. And right now, you have no idea what that means. Because a human hunger for food cannot even begin to compare to a hunger for blood. And when you do find that out, you're going to be right here inside this room. And I'm going to make sure you stay right here inside this room. Got that? So you might as well stop trying to fight me and everyone here who's trying to help you because we're not going anywhere. And because you're still mostly human. You can't win. It's a fact of life."

I narrowed my eyes at her suspiciously. Could I trust her? But as I scrutinized her, her mouth began to turn up in a slight smile.

"And you can stop looking at me like that. Like you said before, you're 'no use to me in the way of food.' Besides, I'm not hungry."

She was flat-out grinning now, and it caught me off guard once again. She truly was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. It was hard to focus on the fact that she capable of drinking another's blood. And without meaning to, I found myself beginning to smile, too.

"Alice Cullen?"

She nodded, relaxing her stance as she caught on to the fact that I wasn't going to try to run for it again. "That's right. Vampire. Nurse. Resident babysitter."

"I'm Jasper Hale. Captive, victim, and I really don't know what else anymore."

"I could think of a few things."

"Such as…?"

"Well, moron, for thinking you could outrun a vampire, terrible patient, again for the running away thing, and…the rest I'll keep to myself, thank you very much."

I raised my eyebrows but didn't press her further. It was quiet for a few moments, neither of us knowing what to say, though the silence didn't seem to bother Alice in the least.

"So, tell me something," I said, sitting down on the bed and looking across to where she still stood in front of the door. To my surprise, she grinned again, bounded gracefully across the small room and jumped onto the bed next to me, crossing her legs and grinning up at me with sparkling eyes, any anger forgotten completely.

"Yes?"

I know I looked surprised by her reaction, and it seemed to amuse her--her face lit up even more. But I recovered myself, not wanting her to think she could catch me off guard. "If a vampire's hunger for blood is so strong, and I'm still 'mostly human', whatever that means, then how is it that you're so calm around me?"

"I'm still tempted by people sometimes, but the thing is…we do things a little differently here."

"Meaning…"

"Meaning we hunt. Animals, predators—we feed on them instead of humans.

"Why?"

_"Why?"_ She laughed bitterly. "Could you live with yourself if you went around murdering people?"

"Do you consider it murdering, or eating?"

"I consider it murdering. You don't lose your conscience when you become a vampire, just your mortality. Granted, most vampires do still hunt people…like I said, the temptation is overwhelming, and sometimes—often—it can consume a vampire, especially one who's been hunting humans for a long time, to the point where they begin to not even feel like it's wrong anymore. But your conscience is still_there_, it's just a matter of not giving in and accepting murder as right."

"So you're telling me—honestly—that you are a vampire, as in the living dead, blood-drinking, fantastical legends that I've read about in books, and that I'm turning into one too." My skepticism had not even close to abated.

But the next instant she had reached out a snow-colored hand and laid it gently against the wound at my neck, as if to remind me of its icy temperature, and it was hard for me to focus on that skepticism. Or on anything, for that matter, besides her smile, which held something of sympathy, and her intense gaze, focused on my face.

"Without a doubt," she said, and I thought my wound surely could not be so cold anymore, and that the rest of me would follow suit, heating up until I melted into a liquid and slid between the cracks in the floorboards.

"It's just…hard to—to get…my head around." I cursed myself silently. I couldn't even speak properly around her. There hadn't been many girls in my life who had affected me as she was doing now. None really, except one. And I refused to think about her.

Just when I thought I couldn't stand the intensity of Alice's gaze for a moment longer, a sharp pain shot through my body. It seemed to start at my neck and spread up, into my head, as well as down into the rest of my body.

I cried out before I could stop myself, bite it back, and I pressed one hand against my head, my other arm pressing into my stomach. I bent forward, seized with pain.

I heard Alice's slight gasp at my sudden change, but next moment, she was perfectly in control.

"You'll be fine, take a deep breath if you can, remember to try to relax." As she said this, she stood up, picked me up in her arms, and lay me down in the bed, pulling the quilt over me. She wet the rag with water from a basin on the dresser, resumed her position in the chair by my bed, and simply waited, calm as ever, until I stopped writhing long enough for her to apply the rag to my forehead again.

I was grateful for her serenity; it calmed me slightly, even though it didn't ease the physical pain.

I don't know how long I squirmed, in a stranger's house, on a stranger's bed, still trying desperately to fight back any vocal expression of agony. I know I didn't succeed, though my memories of the rest of that night are hazy. What I do remember is opening my eyes the next morning, seeing my guardian angel's face, serene and smiling with the knowledge that my pain was over, though with a distinct look of determination in her eyes at the same time, as if she was preparing herself for something. She hadn't left my side the entire night, and for that I was grateful. I remember staring at her beautiful face, still amazed at finding out what she was, and I remember the realization hitting me like a ton of bricks. What she was…no, what _we_ were. I had changed.

I was a vampire.

I knew it was true, I could feel it, the difference coursing through my entire body. But what I remember most of all is thanking God that my struggle was over, and the irony in that belief, because in reality it had barely begun.

**A/N: I know I haven't really gotten into the plot yet, but keep reading, it'll get there:)**


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